..Now Passing New Jersey

I'm alive. I know. I haven't been able to update because I've been barely able to live this semester..I touched the ground running and haven't been able to look back since. A lot has changed, and a lot hasn't. I also haven't updated because I wasn't able to talk about what has been bothering me...and honestly, I still can't talk about it now.

....I just got a call about the work I'm supposed to be doing right now.....(see what I mean?)

I'm trying to think of the important things. I stopped losing weight. i can't work out as much as I used to, I'm up all night working so it's just not smart to add the physical stress of working out on top of that. I'm stuck in the mid 160s...but considering how I look, and that I'm a size 10, i'm cool with that for now. When I get more time, or if I start gaining, I'll figure it out when I get to it. I still work out, at least 3 times a week, when I can, be it morning or night.

I don't really have a crush on anyone. Everyone thinks I have a crush on one particular person....but the misinterpretation arises from the fact that I'd like to get to know him better...not date him. Not that I wouldn't date him, I'm just saying I don't even know him well enough to get to that point...I'm still trying to form a friendship.

I met a random guy the other day who apparently wants to get to know me better. Unfortunately for him he did not gather the balls necessary to express this interest while he was talking to me. Instead, he hounded a good friend of mine for my info. Unsuccessfully. I'm going to pretend i don't know he's after me. He's 28, and I should really get away from older men. Plus he doesn't live anywhere near me, doesn't know me at all, really, and the only thing we have in common is a partial music history and 5 hours of hanging out at UPAC cinema. On the other hand, some guy trying to get to know me is a first for me. I don't think it counts as getting hit on because he didn't work up the courage to actually get my contact info (he tried though, the poor man)...but I think it counts as something...the first...er..semi-blatant display of male interest? I don't know. But it made me mentally go "who, me?"....which also then, in turn, gave me recoil shock, since I didn't realize my self-esteem was that low. But then I think, nah, I know I'm awesome, men just didn't display an interest before. So...this is....er...different.

I am now paranoid. Since I've lost the weight, like, what, 55ish poinds total, I've been getting more looks from guys. I know that's a big "duh"...but...I'm not used to it, and it makes me paranoid/depressed when I meet new people/guys. I can't help but think...would he have said that if we rewinded 7 months? what he have looked at me like that? Smiled at me like that? Stayed behind after class to talk to me while I gathered my things? so it's a new conundrum with meeting new people...

..and a new conundrum with an old. I'm trying to figure out if the relationships I have with people, mostly men, have changed as a result of the time-dependent development of our relationship or as a result of me losing 50+ lbs? Guys I met just last semester now want to hang out with me more...and it's in the back of my head...of course, we also all have classes together, we have extra curriculars together, we work together, and oh yeah, don't forget, I'm naturally the life of the party, and I'm always fun to have around. So it's really confusing and tangled. I don't know how to handle it at all, especially when none of the guys I know, except one, has come right out and said "I noticed you lost weight" or "you look good, have you been working out?"...so it's sketching me out, like, am I friend and they don't notice because of that? Are they being smooth and not mentioning it out of polite courtesy? Are they angling to get a piece by pretending they never saw the weight, only my lovely countenance and engaging personality? My male friends who've said something right when they saw me...I trust them, they're cool. But the ones who haven't are confusing the hell out of me. It's not that I want them to, it's that I want to know why they haven't...I need some defenses here. I mean, let's be serious. I kept most of my chest (still DD) and lost a lot of my waist. I am curvy as hell right now, and I know it, and not in a lumpy way. I look like I work out. So I need to know what the hell is going on. And I need to know how to handle new people in my life. It was easier 7 months ago, when new people hung around, I knew it was because they genuinely thought I was cool/funny/enjoyable to be around. It was easier to distinguish between friends and not friends. Now, it's blurry as hell with the guys. Which sucks, because I want to enjoy being desirable without being paranoid.

The girls are great. I love women.

But let me get this straight. I am not claiming to be hot. I am just saying I have breasts and men got eyes. That's all. I'm not prancing around like a sex kitten (though honestly, I can dress my ass of right now, and do not hesitate to do so). I do like to well dressed since I can actually find clothes I like now. That alone may seem like a big change to other people, but it's like this: if they made a variety of clothes for bigger women, I would have dressed exactly how I pleased. But they do not. I had limited options. Buuuuut now that I don't, and that I can wear a medium, hell has broken loose in my closet. I don't even think I own anything I haven't made sure I look good in...it's sweet! I feel so much better walking out of the house now....and I just bought these cute new boots...ooooooh girrrrrrl..

So yeah. I should get back to work soon, though I feel like taking a nap.

I've also been avoiding everyone in schenectady from high school like the plague....I mean, like, acquaintances from high school. I'm not ready to be surprised by people, and I'm not ready to be like..hey y'all...this is me..I lost weight. I don't want them to know, really, not until I'm ready to be like "bam in your face, I look better than I did in high school". I want to be able to choose when and where I pop out with my new self...I don't care.I will avoid the shit out of seeing someone if they haven't seen me in the last 7 months.

I did splurge on these new boots though (ewww splurge). They are just too cute...and I know that sounds weird, because I don't judge people by what they're wearing (unless it's handcuffs, a straight jacket... or sequins. I hate sequins)...I just care about how I look, and now that I have some control over it......shooot. I'm turning it out! I don't even care how stereotypical and "girlfriends" that sounded. I look cuuuuute. I wish melissa was here so we could jump up and down and squeal. If I had actually gone out for halloween last night, I woulda straight up been the fashion police.

Alright, I can't talk about anything meaningful. Catch you when the semester has died its quick death.